Sugar…
Aw, honey, honey,
This weekend, my baby turned two. (I’ve said this once before, of course, when I thought Mowgli was my baby. But this time, I mean it. My baby. Last child. This is it. Four is enough. Baby.)
During my labor with Shortcake:
1. I told Hercules on the way to the hospital, “you can speed, you know.”
2. The truck alarm was jammed and alarming in the hospital parking lot. The entire time.
3. I sang some strange, moaning, labor song. (And also, I screamed really loud.)
4. I surrendered.
When I first held her, I felt it. She had brought with her, just for me, this incredible force of freedom. I still am overwhelmed with emotion every time I think of that first few moments together. It was beyond powerful. With each labor/delivery before hers, I had felt that life force take over, had felt the freedom of surrender. Natural childbirth, eventually, leaves you no other choice. (It says, surrender to me, weakling. And then it beats the shit out of you.) But I had never before allowed it to linger. This time, I did.
These two years have reinforced that theme. I’ve learned that life with four children leaves me no other choice. There is only surrender and be. (”There is no try,” says Yoda.) And surprisingly, what “should” make me feel bound and helpless, only brings me incredible freedom. I feel free from the expectations of . . . well . . . just about everyone and everything, including myself. It’s strange, really. A paradox. She is actually my “neediest” child, what some call clingy, and others call attachment parented. But her presence, to me, says freedom. Maybe I should call her “Braveheart.”
I’m just kidding. About the Braveheart thing.
Because I’m tired.
Because I’m trying to write a novel.
I took the picture below as she was painting on rocks in the driveway the other day. Oh… this! Smile! She just has this fantastically passionate energy. Funny and dancey and lovey and wonderful. I can barely handle the sweetness.
For the above picture, I had to grab an old memory card that I hadn’t used in a while. I checked the adorable grown-up-kid shot on the LCD, the clicked the back button. THIS. THIS! Is what I saw:
So, yeah, maybe I did cry (not a happy cry) like a blathering idiot when I saw the positive pregnancy test. And so yeah, maybe I did cry myself to sleep often during that first trimester. But gAWd, am I glad she’s here, my little honey, honey.
Seriously, she is too darling for words. Cute, cute, cute! And two! Wow! Where has the time gone?
I cried when I saw the positive pregnancy test w/#4 too. Strangely though, now that she’s here, I’ve sort of surrendered the idea of whatever will be will be (name that tune!). It’s easier to embrace it than to fight it (everything; motherhood, pregnancy, etc. etc.)
Though I have no idea what you’re talking about w/labor since I’ve been blissfully hopped up on meds every time. I still think it’s awesome that you did without, and with four?! That’s freaking crazy!
I have fallen in love with your blog. That’s all. Surrender. I’m going to ponder on that word today.
Carry on, namowrimoblabo boobo!
everything on her face is a smile, even the upside down smile of her eyes.
During your labor with Shortcake, I was watching “The Great Race,” one of my Dad’s favorite movies
When I saw the pic from the memory card I thought, “oh boy, that had to make her cry!” Lastly, I cried when my preg test w/ #3 was positive. No offense, maestro, you know I love you!
She is gorgeous, Terri! Happy birthday, little one.
“(It says, surrender to me, weakling. And then it beats the shit out of you.)”
lol – Now that is an excellent description, you writer, you. And funny, my son was just sharing that Yoda quote with me this morning.
Hope you all had some wonderful celebrating yesterday.
oh. how. beautiful. ohhhhhh little tiny girl. oh my.
Terri all I can say is…God Blessed you…and you blessed him right back.
terri, i feel the same way, she’s my third, and 10 years later, but somehow through her presence, i finally just let all the bs go. what matters? she does, in my arms, most of the day and usually all night, too.
If attachment parenting does to both sides of the relationship what it has done for you and Shortcake, I’m a huge fan! Surrender seems to put all of the priorities in the right order.
surrender. so well put.
sigh, i couldn’t agree more with all of this, except my cap was at 2 instead of 4. that is one gorgeous little babe.
um, wow. i just found your blog and was immediately taken aback by the strength of your images… the dirty hands clasped and reaching. wow.
but these words, oh these words, spoke right to my heart. i too have four children, my youngest also just turned two and i spent 45 minutes sobbing today about why the fuck i’m boxing up clothes and saving them. what am i saving them for? why can’t i just pass the baby clothes along? why can’t i just SURRENDER??? thank you for this.
and congrats on making the nanowrimo goal. even if you’re not completely happy with it, you did it, and you can do it again.
xoxo