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the big oh-five

March 23, 2010

photograph and styling by the birthday boy

Five years ago today, Mowgli was born. In the very late evening of the 22nd, I had been pissed off at this little baby who was going to be overdue. I was already upset that he had passed the Pisces/Aries cusp. He answered my complaints with a swift kick to the ribs and a gush of amniotic fluid. I walked into the ER at midnight, was wheeled (sitting rather awkwardly) into the birthing center at 12:08, and he was born at 12:17, 17 minutes overdue, caught by my co-worker and friend (not the OB).

Sure, there was screaming (mine). Sure, there was incredible power surging through my body. Sure, I was completely unable to take my own pants off. Sure, there was a double-wrapped cord around his neck. But, to tell you the truth, it was easy. Creation borrowed my body, had Her way with it, and then plopped it back on the hospital bed bloody and spent. It was great. I’m not even being sarcastic.

I’m going to take this blasphemy even farther; I’m going to break a serious mommy-rule: he is my easiest kid. Oh, don’t confuse easy for well-behaved. That he is not, I ASSURE YOU. But to me (not so much to his father), “parenting” him is easy. Because he is me. And I get it. (I mean, I’m not terribly well-behaved, either.)

When I met him, I smiled an lazy smile and said, “Oh. I like you.” We understood one another, and still do. He loves me loves me loves me, and he often shows me by kissing and snuggling all over me with this obnoxious affection. And the feeling and expression is mutual. But he quickly moves on; he’s never needed much from me. He’s got other things to do—to obsess over, to whine about, to plot, to gain complete understanding of (sound familiar?).

He’s a strange little mirror. I get to see all of my selfishness, stubbornness, screetchiness (word!) played out in plain sight. It makes me cringe a little sometimes, but usually, it’s because I’m suppressing a laugh.

Tags: kids, Motherhood, Mowgli, non-pissy, photo
Posted in Motherhood, Photography | 10 Comments »

Signs

March 18, 2010

Now that it’s nice enough outside to go for walks . . .

. . . I’m embracing the learning opportunities presented by signs.

Tags: Dimples, how to fly by the seat of your pants, kids, Mowgli, outside, photo, Shortcake, That Neighbor Chick
Posted in Creativity, Frivolous Nonsense, Motherhood, Photography | 6 Comments »

wild geese

March 16, 2010

: watercolor and ink on arches hot-press. (poorly-lit snapshot)

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

Tags: create, doodle, fertility, in which i get a little woo-woo, ink, inspiration, nature, non-pissy, paint, quotes, sketchy
Posted in Creativity, Drawing, Motherhood | 14 Comments »

dance!

March 15, 2010

“Now you are entering the world.
You will become adult with responsibilities…
Walk with honour and dignity.
Be strong!
For you are the mother of our people…
For you will become the mother of a nation.”

Apache

My future little women and I had such fun playing with colors and shutter speeds the other night. Lately, every time I put on a skirt, Shortcake stops what she’s doing, and commands me: “Dance!” And so I dance, swishing the skirt and spinning. She stands back, watching me with a critical eye, then says things like, “Yes. Mm-hmm. Good, good.”

I don’t know if it is Spring, or these photos, or the new moon, or what. But I am craving ritual and fires and drumming and dance and lying awake in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. And such.

TAF_1918x

TAF_1934x

TAF_1937x

Tags: i may or may not be losing it, in which i get a little woo-woo, KiKi, music, nature, outside, photo, quotes, Shortcake
Posted in Creativity, Motherhood, Photography | 6 Comments »

to them . . .

March 10, 2010

i am
sandwiches on plates
milk in cups

I wrote a poem the other night that started like this. Except, I don’t actually know what “poem” means. And so I won’t share it with you as such. I will, maybe, make the words lyrics someday.

>>>digression. I listened to the very end of an interview with Anais Mitchell this weekend on NPR. I turned on the radio, on my way to my beachy solitary-ing, intent on remaining open to signs and natural instinct. Of course, then, she was being interviewed for her new folk drama, Hadestown. Hades! Persephone! Orpheus! Eurydice! Alright, already. I get it. It is time to focus on that damn novel again, apparently. (ha, ha! damn! underworld! get it? is this thing on?) But I bring it up, because she said something like this: ”If you want to be a poet nowadays, you’d better learn how to play the guitar.” end digression<<<

Essentially, the ”poem” was a list of all the pointless, meaningless things I am to them, these kids. I realized recently, or remembered, that I am not as important to them as I think I am. This is both heartbreaking and liberating. I am the biology that got them here, the biology that facilitates their continued living. But beyond that, they are independent little bodies, free little spirits. Usually, I am just getting in their way. The “poem” ends:

and i can’t help but consider
sea turtles

You know, sea turtles. Because the mothers abandon their children, as eggs, on the beach. (tap, tap. is this thing on?) I mean, no. I’m not planning on deserting my babies. But, really. Those little hatchlings are perfectly capable. The species still survives, right? (Okay. I just looked this up. And there are a few different species of sea turtles. And most of them are endangered. So nevermind. Forget the sea turtle thing. Just forget it.)

And so guess what. Now Dimples is really sick. And he needs me. Go figure. All lies, these epiphanies. All lies!

This is the photo that started all of this “independent children” thinking in the first place:

: independent shortcake in bath, digital.

and another, for good measure:

Tags: Dimples, i just felt like i needed an extra tag, kids, Motherhood, music, myth, photo, Shortcake, writing
Posted in Creativity, Motherhood, Photography | 9 Comments »

doldrums schmoldrums

February 20, 2010

Alternative title: February is the F-word.

It is still February. February somewhat sucks. For a while there, I had decided that I was going to pump Wellbutrin into our village water system, and maybe try to transmit it electronically, as well. Or Prozac. Or Heroin. The other day, a friend read a phone-text and shook her head, laughing. “Everyone’s depressed!” And it’s true. There is some hard core depths of despair happening ’round here.

We are deep into the dark season here in Wisconsin. I’ve seen other bloggers talk about the signs of returning spring, and I want to throw a chunk of ice at them. Oh no, honey. Not here. Here we do not mention the S word, for fear of a collective breakdown. Except, shit. I just mentioned it, didn’t I? I will now pause for my fellow Doldrum-experiencers to cry with longing for the season that lingers in the distance too far beyond hope.

* * * * *

Everyone OK? Yes. See, that’s the thing. I think that everyone is OK. (I’m OK, you’re OK, OK now I’m sounding like a self-help book. ack.) I just think that a turn toward darkness in winter is a healthy, natural movement. Remember? It is when we fight it that we cause ourselves harm. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, it is his/her fault, how can we fix this, what is the problem . . .

There is no problem. There is no spoon. These Winter Doldrums have brought me some really nasty-but-good, awful-but-helpful, raw-but-fresh stuff. Stuff that productive spring will do great things with, surely. (shoot! S-word! hope! sorry!)

But, oh . . . . . spring. Spriiiiiiiiiiiiing. Maybe it is not actually so far off? I mean, it is currently snowing. And everything is still deader than dead. And the sun does still set before 6 pm. But . . . shoot! I’ve done it again! Sorry! Moment of silence.

* * * * *

And in case that pathetic little attempt at inspiration doesn’t do it for you, here are some pictures that might. They are not spring-ish in the least, but they are happy, I think. (?)

Do you know the joy of this? Can you hear it? Feel it under your feet? yesssssssssssssssssss. This is, perhaps, the best part of winter. (aside: I asked my husband, showed him the pictures, and he said, "that just looks sad." So maybe I am totally off on this?)

Ecstasy, I tell you. Sheer bliss. crrrrrack.

And, of course, there is the licking of a big hunk of snow. (Dimples) Who can resist that?

And a few more. I gave up putting them into nice little black rectangles for you:

I'm just going to assume that this was not in the driveway. (Mowgli)

And I learned something last weekend. Running in the winter can be fun! Avoiding the poorly-shoveled spots was honestly fun. Like an obstacle course. I'm serious! (Shortcake)

And name-spelling in the snow. There are few things in life as thrilling as a big stretch of undisturbed snow that you are about to have your way with. (Kiki)

Tags: boom-boom ain't it great to be crazy, Dimples, kids, KiKi, Mowgli, nature, outside, photo, Shortcake, soulcraft, swearing is big and clever
Posted in Motherhood, Photography | 9 Comments »

Use Your Illusion

February 19, 2010

Illusions are art, for the feeling person, and it is by art that you live, if you do. (Elizabeth Bowen)

tri-x film in mamiya 645af. mowgli and a girlie friend.

Today I’m thinking about illusions. The illusions of vision, of art, of social role, of relationship, of should, of connection, of separation, of possession, of acceptance, of proper, of religion, of comfort, of security, of emotion, of praise, of beauty, of insult. Hey! Another one of those lists. I haven’t gone all there-is-no-spoon yet, but I do think I’ll go on a quantum physics kick, now that you mention it.

I’m thinking about how we can become so governed by those illusions, and about what would happen if we . . . weren’t. If we accepted their function when appropriate, loved the illusions for what they were, and then gratefully let them go in due time. “Arigato Zaisho,” if you know what I mean.

I’m thinking, and letting go of a few other . . . thinkings. Oooh, I have a lot more to say here, but I’m operating under the illusion of time, so I must go.

Have the illusion of a happy weekend!

Tags: create, film, how to fly by the seat of your pants, in which i get a little woo-woo, inspiration, kids, Louise, Mowgli, non-pissy, outside, quasi-cheesy, quotes, zen-ish
Posted in Creativity, Motherhood, Photography | 2 Comments »

In Which I Act Normal-blogger-ish

February 17, 2010

. . . and post a cute picture of my kid. See? Just like you thought I couldn’t. Suckas.

Except in the shot, he has just told me that he is Anakin, who he likes because, of course, Anakin goes to the dark side and becomes Darth Vader. And maybe that’s not normal. And maybe it’s not normal that it makes me proud when he says these things. And so, just forget the whole normal thing, already.

mini-me + light saber on tri-x in mamiya c330, neg scan

I’m glad my villain-loving genes run strong in him. There are other similarities, too. heh.

DSC_0565xx

And to quote Nina’s little boy, “I like being negative; that’s my favorite of all! Oh OK, I’ll be positive when I’m done being negative. Now, as I was saying…”

And so as I was saying, the villain is almost always my favorite, too. Not only are they just plain cool, but they’re also just so beautifully complex. Right? Surely you have a favorite villain. Tell me. And your answer can’t be Terri Fischer.

Tags: film, i just felt like i needed an extra tag, Motherhood, Mowgli, photo, quotes, shadow
Posted in Frivolous Nonsense, Motherhood, Photography | 10 Comments »

everythingnothingeverythingnothingeverything

February 16, 2010

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled upswing with . . .

and

By the time I descended into my lair to get some crazy out last night, I fucked up an attempt to do an ink wash of yesterday’s sketch. And so I was infuuuuuuriated with myself. Because I could have developed film or played the guitar or painted a watercolor or worked on that terrible opening chapter. And those thoughts made me more insane because then I decided that I am just an all-around absolute loser, of course. Why must I (TRY to) do everything? My muse is not just promiscuous, she is a whore. Because she makes it so that I am not even good at anything.

(I am not looking for pity or smoke up my ass, here. I am just spilling. So pleeeeease, so help me, don’t.)

I’m a little thrown off by this. And I’m kind of spinning in circles. And I’ll do some business things when I can today, like working on the photography website and ordering shipping supplies. Good, concrete, boring things. And I will have a friend here for coffee, and I will screw a few hinges onto my cupboard doors. And, of course, I will mother as a verb. But I can’t promise that I won’t just go ahead and have a breakdown. Which makes me feel weak and stupid and lonely, because who feels this way, really? I mean, pull yourself together, woman! There are real problems in this world! Remember how you felt about your fellow college students who complained about their art woes while you studied organic chemistry and microbiology? Where is that one chick? Maybe she was just a sad, jealous, trapped little thing. But maybe we could buck up and channel her today? Huh? You lunatic?

Shoot. I’ve just realized that there are people that blog to uplift and inspire other people, and not to talk to themselves in public.

And so I’m going to try really hard to post something normal-bloggy tomorrow.

*curtsy*

Tags: create, doodle, i may or may not be losing it, ink, Motherhood, shadow, swearing is big and clever, whiney and pathetic
Posted in Creativity, Drawing, Motherhood | 14 Comments »

My Promiscuous Muse

February 15, 2010

I have a promiscuous muse. My muse wants to own every color, work in many media, and in numerous genre. (Mary Klotz)

And hooray for the swing of the pendulum, though broody does hold such a special place in my heart. I’m sure I’ll see it again soon. No sense mourning the lack of mourning. hmpf. And I suppose it is a more pleasant feeling, but it is not so different from last week’s rage-y-ness. Crazy is crazy is crazy. Y’know?

My current task is no longer to prevent falling apart crying in public, but to stop myself from hugging everyone I see. It’s a little ridiculous. I mean, where is the balance? Could we please just find a comfortable little monotonous feeling, maybe? (Or, not. That would be boring.)

Also, I’m having to really work today at focusing on mundane tasks. The voices that are singing melodies and telling me about the scenes I missed, and the images that are poised and ready for paper are all bouncing off of the walls and into one another. I tell them to wait, but they scoff at the dishes and interrupt picture books and serenade diaper changes. And then, when I finally sit down at the piano, for example, they are nowhere to be seen (heard). So I love them, but I sort of hate them, too.

In this state I’ve thought up a few really cheesy ideas. There is one, in particular, related to this gushy omnibenevolence. I’m trying to keep it under wraps, because it sort of makes me cringe, the cheesiness. But I’m afraid I might burst soon. So, you know. Fair warning.

Oh, and P. S., my tube socks have arrived. Hello.

Tags: boom-boom ain't it great to be crazy, doodle, Motherhood, music, non-pissy, quasi-cheesy, quotes, sketchy
Posted in Creativity, Drawing, Motherhood | 6 Comments »