shortcake, holga, tri-x 400 film in t-max dev

An unintended theme in my life lately has been a loss of control.  (Maybe “unintended” is a given, since intention is a form of control?)  Or, more specifically, the theme is a fucking obliteration of any semblance of control.  Control is dying a painful and twitching death here, and I’ve taken the job of holding the pillow over its face.  I’m tired of sharing its air.  I can’t really give you any insight here, because there is not any hindsight to speak of. 

But it has me feeling kindred with the ol’ holga.  I’ve got no control with the holga, which sort of kills a woman whose religion is the Church of the Light Meter.  The aperture and shutter speed simply are what they are, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Even those settings are relatively uncertain.  All I can do is open the plastic shutter and let the light in, to fall on the film as it will.  The focus will be off, some frames will be overexposed, and some will be underexposed.  There are unintended shadows everywhere and places where the sun burns the negative completely black.  But a couple of the frames are, with ironic consistency (or is it pure statistics?), absolutely gorgeous.  Alternatively, I could leave camera at home; or worse, I could let a computer set the controls for me. 

But I think the illusion of control can be deceiving.  The only constant  is this beautiful inconsistency.  I think.  I’m not sure.  I’ll get back to you.  (But don’t count on it.)