The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
[Alice checks Hatter's temperature]
Alice Kingsley: I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
god, do i hope this is rock bottom. have you noticed? i mean, obviously. i might as well admit it. yeah. i’m kind of going through a thing, worst ever. and no, actually, i’m not ok. not at all. thanks for asking.
i tend to get these “signs” of comfort or of direction when i am low or confused. i get to a place (and it is predictable, but i always forget) where i am so lost and/or incapable of functioning that i reach out, beg really, for some sign that will tell me what to do. these signs have been abundant, and mind-boggling, as they always are when i am in touch with my truth. but where they have led me has pissed me off, in an ignorance is bliss (though bliss is definitely not the word. more a flat affect stupor) sort of way. so on a recent bike ride, i had a conversation with myself. or, Myself, or whoever it is that gives me these signs. i said something like so what’s that about then? the fucking signs? could you just stop with the fucking signs? or could you just stop pretending that you’re seeing signs? (that’s another self-talk voice. apparently there are many.) ooh! ooh! i know! i know! i need a sign about signs! a sign to tell me that i am actually seeing signs! and that they matter! and then i went crazy. absolutely lost it. i was angry at myself for being such an idiot, for having such outrageous self-talk discussions, for actually asking for such a thing. a sign about SIGNS?!?! my eyes were blurred with tears, so i had to steer my bike off of the road (and almost collided with a truck in the process). i stopped at an abandoned house and threw my bike onto the overgrown grass and wildflowers. i saw a shed, and thought it would be a lovely place to have a breakdown.
when i stood in front of the open shed, this is what i saw:
i’ll give you a sign about signs. how about a fucking shed full.


and i cracked up. out loud. i mean, not that that is any less confusing. but it does validate the whole . . . sign . . . thing. i retrieved my bike, wanting to go home for my camera, and there was another very specific sign in front of my face. but i won’t tell you about that one. maybe eventually.
also, when i returned with my camera, i considered breaking into the house. this was on the door, after all. but i didn’t. next time?












