Posts Tagged ‘whiney and pathetic’

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help me, i am a prisoner, etc.

December 11, 2009
 
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.  (Mark Twain)
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in Julie’s kitchen. tri-x film with Mamiya 645af

 

Here is the whiny pathetic post I told you about, originally entitled “At Home,” to be said all ho-hum and pitiful.  Except I edited the worst parts, lest you call the suicide hotline on me (because, you probably would’ve):

“Today was one of those days.  And then it wasn’t, and then it was again (to be continued indefinitely).  Sometimes, it is just so perfect and fabulous, and usually it is just so . . .

fucking

not!”

 

And . . . that just about does it, after the editing.

It was, in a nutshell, the old “poor me, i hate it here, stuck at home with rotten kids, dirty dishes, uncooked meals, unlived potentials.  i have a college degree and talent and intellect, you know, and so woe is me.”

But then Shortcake went and sang the musical Annie from start to finish, in her just-turned-two-years-old voice, on my lap, in front of the twinkling Christmas tree, and ruined it all.  And then there was the magical snow day, in which the kids played like the happiest and luckiest little children ever.  And then there was yesterday, in which I wore my pajamas, and painted some door trim, and snuggled with my babies, and developed a roll of film, and watched the Brave Little Toaster.  And then there is today, in which I shopped and had coffee with my friends.

I can’t remember:  was I whining?

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Posted in Motherhood, Photography | 11 Comments »

snow day

December 9, 2009

i’ve got this one blog sitting in my “drafts” folder.

it is self-indulgent and pathetic and whiny.

it says something like, “what if i don’t want to do this anymore?”

because i kinda don’t right now.  wanna do this.  anymore.

but actually, that is just nonsense today.

because it’s a SNOW DAY!

and who in the world can be self-indulgent and pathetic and whiny (which i think should be spelled whinEy, but spell check disagrees)

on a SNOW DAY?

 

this neighborhood crew will make a fort come rain, shine, or snow.  it is all about the fort.DSC_0636x

 

shortcake watches out the window.  she thinks snow is “yucky.”DSC_0625x

 

what about this picture does not say “Wisconsin?”DSC_0640x

 

and of course, black nail polish is a post-hot-cocoa necessity.  for some reason.Untitled-1x

 

i’ve got really cute kids.DSC_0649x

 

p.s.  i’d like to dedicate this post to my mom.  watch for her comment, i’m sure it will be entertaining.

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Posted in Frivolous Nonsense, Motherhood, Photography | 12 Comments »

Connection. Finishing. Ooh! Sparkly!

November 28, 2009

DSC_0776x

I started writing this post Thursday night:

I’m sitting in the hallway between the kids’ rooms.  They are all overtired and crying about the most arbitrary of things and I am trying to write 12,000 fucking words in 4 days. 

3,259 words, another slice of french silk pie, and lots of family time later, I am feeling a little better.  But still not better.  And still not good enough to find a cheesy quote that would fit with this picture.  Connection  is what I was thinking.  It was supposed to be for Thanksgiving, of course: the obligation post in which I prove my gratitude.  I was going to say that I was thankful for connection, a powerful concept that I have been keenly aware of lately.  There-is-no-separation-type connection: friendship and love and even there-is-no-spoon-ish.  Stuff.

But listen.  I don’t need a quote to tell you that.  Or even a post.  I’m grateful for it all.  Really, truly.  I’m blessed to ridiculous proportions, and I’ve got the luxury to frequently take it all for granted.  (deja-vu, facebook friends?) 

 And what I’m really thinking about anyway, is this book. 

There is no deadline.  NaNoWriMo is pretend.  Nobody actually cares if I hit 50,000.

But I just.  Want.  To.  Finish.

Here’s the thing.  I am so easily inspired, which translates often to easily distracted.  And so, there are a lot of things that I start, sparkly ideas that override my mega-stubborn (Taurus!) side.  Which leaves me with heaps of unfinished-ness.  And generally I’m OK with that: goals be damned, I’m following my heart!  I’m good at a lot of things, and I want to do them all.  And doing it all is fun, though utterly impossible in my chaotic, abundant life for which, of course, I am grateful.  ahem.

But I

just

want

to

finish

something.

Even if, for now, it totally sucks.

So stop distracting me.  I’m trying to write.

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Posted in Creativity, Frivolous Nonsense | 10 Comments »

angst and ink on paper

November 10, 2009

This is one of those posts that precede an influx of concern for my mental well-being.  Before you send prescriptions, chocolate, or flowers, know that all is well.  Just yesterday I posted this to my twitter:  “minor issue 2day: want to hug/kiss everyone i see. i don’t think i am even drunk.”  So this is probably just an extreme-cheerfulness rebound.

Alright.  Send chocolate if you must.

Today, I was thinking about an interesting effect that motherhood has had on me.

Some people need to fast, take drugs, experience near-death, meditate, journey, perform ritual.  Some people need these things to strip themselves to the core, to know the profound emptiness of being.  I only need motherhood.  This gig has left me drained, sucked me dry (literally), pecked me to the bone.  And without fail, in my moment on the brink of breakdown, it hits me.  This is the kind of thing people pay good money for!  There are workshops, retreats, e-courses, and books, all centered around trying to get here: a place of stillness and surrender, complete with ego destruction, soul encounter, epiphany. 

I cried myself here today, blubbering and pathetic, overwhelmed by the fighting and the screaming and the whining and the clinging and the endlessness of it all.  And right on cue, in the midst of the darkness, glimpsed a lovely little epiphany regarding my nanowrimo protagonist.  I’m grateful for the experience, but to be honest, I think I would have chosen walkabout today, were I given the informed choice.

Shortcake and I had a quickie post-tears art session today, she with yellow paint (currently all over my jeans), and me with ink on (wrinkled) hot press watercolor paper.  The illustration friday prompt this week was “blur.”  I’m deciding that this is appropriate because it looked blurry through my tears.

blur

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Posted in Creativity, Drawing, Motherhood | 15 Comments »

Just Like Artax

October 13, 2009

I’m so damn tired.

And I’m so damn tired of being so damn tired.  (Is that a country song?) 

I’m also so damn tired of complaining about being so damn tired.

So instead of a complaint, let met tell you the funny thing Shortcake did today at 1:30 AM.  I had tried for the bajillionth time to put her down in her crib.  She lay there whimpering for a few moments, then stopped.  “I’m crying.”  She informed me.  Like, hello!

This afternoon, I used the tried and true drive-around-so-they-fall-asleep strategy.  It was not so true to me today:  Fail.  The ink bottles and the brushes and the little jar of water and the clipboard and the hot press watercolor paper all stared at me with puppy dog eyes from the passenger seat.  I tried to ignore them. 

I made up a haiku, and recited it out loud:

Forest of rainbows

White car with purple headlights

I am so tired

 

The kids did not at all enjoy it.  They told me to go home and make them chocolate chip cookies.  And so I did.

 Thanks for noticing me,

Eeyore Terri

 

p.s. I have written a braggy post all about my fabulous weekend, but I am much too deep in the Swamps of Sadness today for that.  And if Atreyu had saved Artax, he never would’ve met Falcor.  And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re like Gmork.

 

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Posted in Creativity, Drawing, Motherhood | 9 Comments »

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